Weather Forecast? Cloudy.

Yes, it has been cloudy again in Sydney and it has been fore-casted to be cloudy and rainy for the entire week. Cloudy weather normally brings about a feeling of "depression", as though there isn't sunshine in life. I am currently going through such a stage in my life. My first serious encounter of depression? Perhaps, but I seriously hope that it is not. It is not something that I've gone through before so I am feeling a little odd and concerned.

I have had a terrible week. Bad news came one after another. Friends suffering from miscarriage, Ashley fell sick, a passing of my ex-employer, the anxiety with my current pregnancy, friends moving away etc. On top of that, everything that I said and did went wrong and decisions that I've made turned bad. I ended up having a big row with hubby and I lost my patience with Ashley. I was so upset with her over dinner that I sent her off to bed at 7pm. I was so disappointed with myself that I just felt like hugging my pillow and have a good cry. I wonder if this is somewhat related to pregnancy depression and if it is a sign that I might suffer from post-natal depression once the baby is out. I finally experience the reality of depression. You can't just snap out of it and the feeling is one of helplessness and hopelessness.

Today I shared my failure as a mother to one of the mums in playgroup. I almost break down and cried. My friend was very wise. She said all I need to do is to lower my own expectations. It is alright to slack in my duties, it is alright to make mistakes and it is alright to feel depressed sometimes. This is just part of being real and authentic to who you are. I came back from playgroup determined to be more lenient with myself. I will also try to plan my daily schedule wisely to avoid unnecessary stresses, especially in the mornings where there seems to be 1001 thins that needs my attention.

I am not sure if this will "solve" my problem once and for all. But I am willing to give it a go. Hopefully with time, I will learn to manage my life better and learn to deal with the low periods of my life wiser.

I can't control what the future holds Lord, or which way my emotions will head to. But I ask for Your grace and wisdom, strength and courage to face each day with You. Help all the mothers in the world, to be less hard on themselves but more dependent upon You. Amen.